Denny's

As our children were growing up, days out would at some point need to include lunch. They all went through the phase where kids’ meals from McDonalds or Burger King were their holy grail. Often the choice was determined by whatever fast food joint had the best movie tie-in toys. Besides the standard Barbie and Hot Wheels, highlights included toys from Toy Story, The Mystic Knights of Tir-Na-Nog and Pokemon. But as is inevitable with free gifts there were some real disappointments too. We thought the days of eating on the basis of a film or TV show were firmly behind us but fast forward to December 2012 and the most ludicrous movie – restaurant tie-in ever pulled me in.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy made over a billion dollars in the domestic US market which seems like a pretty decent return. Someone in the marketing team was clearly thinking “outside the box” and came up with the concept that people might be persuaded to go and see a film on the basis of a meal “similar” to that eaten by diminutive beings from Middle Earth. Thus the Denny’s Limited Time Only Hobbit menu was born.

Billed as featuring the riches of Middle Earth, they didn’t do themselves any favours by giving the menu items names that appeal to the Finbarr Saunders streak in all of us with Gandalf’s Gobble Melt and the Hobbit Hole breakfast particular highlights. I’ve never previously felt remotely tempted to try Dennys and their consistently cheesy TV adverts reinforced that impression. How could I possibly resist now though? The actual restaurants are mystifyingly busy. Both of the ones we went to in Auburn and Syracuse followed a similar theme with the seating dominated by vinyl bench seats and stark uninviting decor. The sense of brownness dioesn't make it warm and inviting.

My dish of choice on the first visit was the Shire sausage skillet. The promotional puff on the menu said of this dish – Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner or even Elevenses – anytime is a good time to enjoy a savory Shire sausage with red-skinned potatoes, sautéed mushrooms and fire roasted peppers and onions served on a sizzling skillet. Topped with shredded Cheddar cheese and two eggs cooked the way you like them. Having tried this dish once I’d never want to eat it again, though to be fair it wasn’t all bad. The sausage had a nice spice to it and was quite pleasant. The over-easy eggs were absolutely fine too. The problem came from the vegetable foundation. The Cajun spiced potatoes were mushy and just foul. The skillet had long since given up sizzling so the vegetables became steadily greasier in the mouth.

Having committed to trying the menu, I also opted for Bilbo’s Berry Smoothie, made with a delicious blend of raspberries, blueberries, pomegranate and non-fat yogurt. It’s a refreshing treat after a long day’s journey. However, after a mere 60-minute drive it came across as a sickly sweet cold drink that couldn’t in all honesty be recommended.  It was a huge relief to know that it was made with non-fat yogurt as a healthy counter to the other calorie-laden dishes.

Two weeks later my memory had sufficiently dimmed and I thought it was a good idea to sample the menu again. My youngest son’s memory is better and he refused to join me.

Before the main event, we had a bowl of Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies poetically sold with Start off your first breakfast - or second breakfast - with six bite-sized round red velvet Pancake Puppies® made with white chocolate chips and sprinkled with white icing sugar. Served with a side of cream cheese icing for dipping. This translated as weirdly tasteless but incredibly sweet hot beetroot -coloured doughballs with pockets of white chocolate for unexpected bursts of intense sweetness. Just in case the dish is too savoury to the taste, the balls are dusted with icing sugar and the cream cheese icing on the side provided a strangely flavoured pot of sweetness for dipping. Enough to send your teeth into sugar shock.

This time the choice of main was a toss-up between the Gandalf’s Gobble Melt and the Hobbit Hole breakfast. In the end the dish that couldn’t even be made to look good in the promotional material won out so I waited in trepidation for the Hobbit Hole breakfast. And this is how it sounded – Our Hobbit Hole breakfast means only one thing – comfort. Two eggs fried right into the centre of grilled Cheddar bun halves. Served with two slices of bacon and crispy hash browns topped with melted shredded cheddar cheese and bacon. The dish was a mess but it really stood no chance due to the inclusion of the cheddar bun. It was a typically cloying pulpy American bread roll and the Cheddar had no presence whatsoever. Cooking the eggs in the bun slices ensured that the yolks were solid, removing all of the anticipated pleasure from the dish. Someone had obviously decided I looked like a hungry Hobbit and gave me an extra sausage but it would have been much better if they hadn’t. Based on this experience the description of the dish would have been fine with one minor change “Our Hobbit Hole breakfast means only one thing – indigestion”. 

The highlight of the first meal was receiving a free set of The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey trading cards for ordering a Hobbit related entrée. They’d run out by the second meal so we didn’t even have that bonus to take the edge off the poor experience.

The Hobbit menu has come to the ended of its limited lifetime. For anyone who didn’t sample it, don’t worry you missed nothing. No one can feel sorry for you for not having the experience. The only person anyone should feel bad for is the man who took on the challenge to eat all 10 Hobbit menu items in one sitting as seen here.

It’s safe to say I won’t be going back to Denny’s any time soon, not even if they bring back the menu to coincide with the release of the second and third Hobbit movies.


Overall Rating - 0.5/5